Oh Yay, It's Audit Day

See what I did there? That title rhymed and everything.

'Zula says we don't even have to sign our names at the bottom of each post because it's pretty obvious by the content who wrote which one. :P So I'll leave it at that. Aaaand moving on.

Got to work early as I usually do because mum likes to get some breakfast and I like to hang around with the family for about 15-30 minutes before clocking on. Azula said we were having the audit guy come in. This explained the psychotic look in McGyver's eye, and his immediate interrogation over coffee times.

The entire day flew by in a frenzied rush; kind of like sharks when they smell blood. Only WE were the blood.

Usually when the audit guy comes around, I keep my head down, do my job, and escape the dreaded questions of doom. We always get asked, "What did you learn at the last Bread Bash?" and sometimes, "Why do you like working here?" but I hate the ones that have to do with times and numbers and things I'm not good with. Basically, I hate being asked questions I don't know the answer to.

Four 'o clock rolled around and I had still evaded the audit man. YES! But lo and behold, I saw him coming towards me during a stretch of slow time. I should have flagged down an old lady and asked if she wanted me to personally count out an exact number of pecans for her salad. But no. I was trapped between Scrooge el Grande (our boss) and the audit man.

I turned to him all smiles while my thoughts were jumbling up into nonsense. Like every time I get nervous, I felt like spouting some archaic sounding dialogue. "Good morrow, sir. How do you fare this fine day? Have you found everything in our cafe satisfactory?" Thankfully, I waited for him to start the interrogation.

First thing he asked--big surprise--was, "What did you do at the last Bread Bash?"

"We talked a lot about the importance of day dotting, and it was stressed how we should wash our hands after leaving each station.We learned about the new products... but we didn't get to sample them."

He turned a disapproving eye to Scrooge. "You didn't sample anything?" Scrooge explained that the trucks didn't bring us ingredients for the salad. "But what about the frozen drinks?" audit guy persisted.

I sort of felt like I was getting Scrooge in trouble at this point, but I couldn't lie. So I merely dug my hole in deeper. "Nooo... well, I mean, I know how to make them." I know now because during a lunch rush I read the directions in the little booklet. An average monkey could make those drinks. But I didn't say that. I'd rather be a paid monkey and not a fired monkey.

"Okay, well did you do anything fun at the Bread Bash?"

I froze. I honestly couldn't think of anything! I mean, we always have fun at the Bread Bashes, but I knew this guy wanted something specific. Something fun and educational. And it made me freak out because I couldn't for the life of me think of what it was that he wanted to hear.

"I made Pompeii with the candy on the table." Wow, Pixie. Fail. That was not at all what he was looking for. (I did build Pompeii with mini candies, by the way. It was pretty spectacular.)

At this point, Scrooge steps in (yet again) and explains about the prizes we all got for our bakery sales. Oh yeah! I got free stuff! Scrooge gave seventy bucks of his own money away! How could I forget? Because I'm an idiot, that's why.

"Could you describe to me as if....mumbles something incoherently..."

I had to lean in and ask him to repeat the question. He probably thought I was just stalling for time to think up an answer, but whatever.

"Could you describe one of our new products as if I'm a customer, please."

Seven hells. I hate all our new stuff so I haven't had them for lunch. And since we didn't get the samples, and I won't pay good money to eat them, I have no idea how to describe the strawberry salad or chicken orzo soup. I panic again. I'm screwed. I can't sell any of our new stuff. They're going to fire me because I suck as a salesperson.

My gaze traveled upward as my thoughts wandered. There, directly above the audit guy's head was a huge sign for our new frozen lemonade. I felt like Roland of A Knight's Tale when he's asked what his lord is wearing to banquet and he spies the tent behind Joselyn's maid. Green, trimmed in a sort of pale green, with wooden... toggles.

 

I nailed that sales pitch.  Disregarding the fact that we'd run out of our strawberry lemonade puree, I made that drink sound like it was mana from heaven. And I've never even had one. :P He nodded, looked surprised at my skills even, and said, "Wow, very good." Yes. My ability to see enormous signs is unsurpassed.

After reestablishing my awesomeness, I felt pretty good. The next question was an easy one too; about alarms and where they're located. Yes, I know where all the alarms are. I frequently daydream about getting trapped in the walk-in and needing to be rescued by an impossibly gorgeous and completely single fireman. So of course I know how to trip the alarms. I didn't say all that. Not completely.

The next question, however, was the one I'd been dreading. The one I couldn't answer.

"Where's the emergency meeting point in case of a fire?"

"Out...side. Outside the building." Yeah, I'm a genius.

Scrooge tried to help. "What's outside the building?"

"The parking lot."

"What's past the parking lot?"

"The... horizon." I was being facetious, but they could think I was stupid. I just wanted to get it over with. Tell me I'm wrong and let me get back to taking down the bread wall.

"It starts with an 'S'"

I was so close to saying, "the sunset" but I couldn't figure out if the windows faced east or west in time, so I just turned my brain on and said, "Oh, Sizzler's!"

"Yes, and we have two meeting points." What the crap, man!? Why two? That's all manner of confusing. Look, if Panera was on fire, I'd just follow the swarm of coughing, screaming people to wherever the heck they were going. I'm sure I'd figure it out eventually. And if I was a lone survivor, it wouldn't matter anyway.

"Uuuh...."

"What does Azula always say?"

"Azula says a lot of things."

"'Work first...'"

It's not 'screw later...' it's not 'screw later...' "Uhhh..."

"What's her hobby, other than work? What does she love to buy?"

"Makeup. So... Ulta?"

"'Work first, shoes later.' Where does she buy her shoes?"

I was going to say Steve Madden, but I knew he meant somewhere in the complex. "TJ Maxx?" 

"Yes."

Then there was a customer (Thank God!) and the audit man released me and didn't come back.

But you know what I think I proved? That I'm a model employee. I may not need to know where the emergency meeting point is, because if Panera goes up in a blaze, I'll be faithfully selling as many cold drinks as I can from my post at the register.

And that makes me the best salesperson EVER.

Also, I'm pretty sure everything he said about Azula was completely made up. I intend on asking her as soon as she signs onto Skype.

Farewell, Panera Poppies!

Sounds of Panera

The sounds of our bakery and cafe seem fairly straightforward. At the registers, there's the faint beeping of buttons, perhaps coffee or espresso trickling into the carafes and mugs, paper bags rustling, and the merry voices of cashiers asking about side choices and where you bought that cute shirt.

In the dining area, depending on the hour, there's a murmur or cacophony of chatter, dishes being stacked in the bins, and overhead elevator music gently soothes everyone into a sense of luxury and comfort.

But I think the music we play at Panera doesn't really show off the essence of who we are. I was really excited when on lunch break I heard a lute plucking out a happy little "Celtic bard song," but it still just didn't do it for me.

What songs do echo the soul of Panera?

Glad you asked. Here's a list (in no particular order) of the top 10 song that keep the joy of Panera in my heart.

 Paneeeeraaa's aliiiive... with the sooound of muuuusic!

• Marry Me - by Train - See Here
  This is the theme song for us and every good looking single man who walks into the cafe. ;)
• Good Mornin' - Singing in the Rain - See Here
  Everybody says "Good morning!" at our Panera. Even in the afternoon. Even at night. It is our way! Thus, this song is always appropriate.
• "Meat Pies" Song - Sweeney Todd - Listen Here
  So that's not its official name, but since the chorus isn't in the movie version, it seems silly to call it something else. And meat pies! How could you not think of Panera? :P
• Taylor the Latte Boy - Kristin Chenoweth - See Here
  Anytime I (Pixie) work the barista, this song gets in my head. It is also the adopted theme song of one of our managers. Plus, it's Azula approved!
• Friday - Rebecca Black - See Here
  My Friday is my Friday! Meaning, Friday is my last work day of the week! Fellow cashier cutie, Flipa, may hate us for getting this song in her head, and manager Taylor may ban it in preference to "Soft Kitty" from Big Bang, but Azula and I will always keep the spirit of Friday alive!! Don't tell me YOU never felt conflicted over which seat to take in a car your twelve year old friend was driving!
• Hello Dolly - Barbara Streisand - See Here
  I felt like this iconic song when I transferred back to my beloved location. For those of you who don't know, I worked for about two months at a sister store and every night I wanted to smother myself with a pillow. But now, every day I think in song, "do you hear the ice tinkle? Can you see the lights twinkle?" and I know I am back where I belong. :)
• Work Song - Les Miserables - See Here
  The wonderful thing about loving where you work is that you can make jokes about it with the most depressing songs. Well... I speak for myself only. ;) I love to sing this when people are silly enough to ask if/when they can get off the clock and go home. "Look down! Look down! You're here until you diiiie!"
• Be Our Guest - Beauty and the Beast - See Here
  We sing this to customers. And we mostly mean it. ;)
• Coffee in a Cardboard Cup - Something Pixie Found on YouTube - See Here
  It's probably from something, but who cares. It's so Panera at rush hour.
• Wannabe - Spice Girls - Listen Here
  For all those times when a person just can't figure out what they "really really wannna" order. You start singing this classic little ditty, and they'll make up their minds in no time at all!--if only to make you stop singing. ;P

I hope you enjoyed this musical journey!

~Pixie

And we have all been promoted as salesmen

Jim Halpert would be proud of the changes at Panera Bread. Or perhaps saddened that like him, we are underpaid for the excessively fine jobs we do. Our duties as cashier no longer consist of mere order taking and quality control/customer satisfaction. We are salespeople. Tried and true. We will make you do things with our winsome ways.

Our agenda is threefold:

1. To make you order a pastry or sweet with your meal and drink.

Oh! You bought an entree! Did you want a drink? Of course you want a drink. Buy a drink. You can't wash down your meal with water. Now that you have your meal and drink, would you like to tack on six hundred calories a bakery item for just ninety-nine cents? Just ninety-nine cents for an additional ten pounds to your hips!!*

2. To get you to take a Panera rewards card and for heaven's sake, register it!

Despite what common sense would tell you, we love to give you free stuff. (Seriously, free stuff means no math for meeee!) Why in the world would you not want a card that gives you free food and drinks with a simple swipe!? Living out of town is no excuse. If you register your card at our kiosk, you get a free item right away. To not do that is like throwing money in the garbage because you might not have the opportunity to get more free money again. Do you really need to win the lottery twice? Just take the card!! Why won't you accept our generosity!? *weeps*

3. To have you take our online survey and gush about how wonderful your day at Panera was.

You WILL have a wonderful day at Panera. Why not make the rest of our days wonderful and give us feedback? It's not that hard to jump online and write a few words of encouragement. Unless you have typist hands like me which are in agony from pressing buttons on a register all day and then blogging and novel writing the rest of the time... but I'd still take the survey! If I could. Which I can't. Since I work there. Just duuuu it! *bats eyes* Pretty pretty pleeaaase? :)

And now, here are some helpful tips at how to be a good salesperson.

The most important is to be cute. If you're cute--tiny frame, brown almond eyes, youthful features like me, you can force people to sign away their souls and they won't even blink. But if you're next door to an ogre in looks, there's still hope! There's still threats! You kidnap their closest loved one or pet and threaten to make them clean vents** at Panera if the buyer in question doesn't comply with your demands.

That's what Dwight would do.

~Pixie

*I don't know why I'm using the weight sarcasm. I almost eat the most calories of anyone in a day, besides Azula.

**I also don't know why this would be a threat, since I love cleaning the vents. :P

Top Accessories/Cosmetics you WILL need to survive Panera.

You may think all there is to Panera employees are their pastel collared shirts, granny button up pants, and hair pulled back in an awful pony tail, but some of them are more than just their uniquely out of style outfits. Not all of them, in fact mostly only one is a beauty obsessed queen. Hi, nice to meet you (not). Want to survive in Panera? Get a haircut, some lip gloss and lose 3 buttons on your collared shirt. 

1. I wasn't kidding about the haircut. 

Seriously, you are going to be wearing a hat for literally 8 hours a day. And, since I am assuming you are on the bottom of the totem pole your hat is going to be beige. Beige? Seriously, this color does not go well with anything except your first apartment's walls. So be warned, it will look awful on you. And the ONLY way to even try to pull off wearing a hat every single day of your life is to have a suitable haircut. Keep it short. Or if you have curly/wavy hair you're set and can have any length hair you'd like. It looks adorable poking out of a hat. Style, body, waves. Exactly what you need. Wait....I have curly hair. Why am I even trying to help you? My hair already looks adorable. 

2. Do yourself and buy a makeup primer.

If you do not wear makeup or know what a makeup primer is just leave now. Now. You're pathetic. Why a makeup primer? Well, let me tell you. You stand behind a hot as hell toaster ALL day, yes even in the summer. You have to get baked goods out of the oven constantly which the temperature ranges from anywhere between 300degrees to 480. Getting it yet? Your face will melt off! Literally. Makeup primers stop this problem before it even happens. Your face will look flawless and beautiful all day. (Not as good as mine though)

3. Lipstick and Nail Lacquer.

As odd as it sounds these two categories are for those lady customers in your life. I can't tell you how many times a woman has asked me what color nail polish and or lipstick color I am wearing. And, once you tell them most of the time they become your friend and begin to like you, which is not easy for a lot of the lady customers that come in to Panera, you see they are usually secretaries, or nurses, or even CNA's they obviously are much better than me and my dorky hat. So get women on your side at Panera and you've almost won the game. 

4. Lace Undershirts, Lip GLOSS, and Blush. 

Want to guess which gender we're going to discuss now? Lace Undershirts. Must I say more? I don't think so. They're appropriate, cute, and firemen love them. 

Lip Gloss. Now, I know we already went over lipstick, but you must understand they're in two completely different leagues. Lipstick adds color and brightens your face. Lip gloss is sexy and almost irresistible. Something about shiny lips always makes men smile at you a little longer. Men love to stare. And, let them stare at my lace undershirt and glossed lips, because maybe this one will fill out his survey at the bottom of his receipt. Tactics my drones, tactics. 

Blush. Blush is for old guys. You don't have to pretend to be amused by his dumb jokes and snide comments about your lace undershirt because you have your secret weapon. Blush. Blush makes you look like your always blushing (duh) which means you always look amused and cute when this old man is talking to you. It always adds another layer of adorableness as well when the cute firemen says you look very nice today. 

This lesson is over. You can either follow it or be ugly for the rest of your life. - Azula

Disclaimer: I do not speak for the Panera company as a whole, but am merely one of the gorgeous faces you will see and fall in love with at our bakery.

Ode To A Lost Jacket

You might work at Panera if... Lost and found items are to be worn as costumes during down time.

-x-

You may think that as a Panera cashier I'm just a cute face and two hand-fulls of fingers for button pushing. But no, I am also a poet.

Observe my handiwork, written in writer's panic on receipt paper after Moira deposited a poor lost jacket into the abandoned items drawer. As a certain llama with a hat would say, "I will not apologize for art."

Ode To A Lost Jacket

Oh little boy jacket,

From whence did you come?

A little boy left you to dine all alone.

The food has been eaten, 

And just drinks are left,

Is he out somewhere missing you, cold and bereft? 

Little boy, I hope you come back to us to get your jacket. 

~Pixie

5 Reasons To Wear a Panera Uniform

You might work at Panera if... You call bathroom breaks a "ten" whether you're on the clock or not.

-x-

If you've ever had the privilege of walking into a Panera, you should have noticed several things right away. One, the colors all around you are warm and inviting, and hopefully the kind that make you hungry. Two, everyone is smiling, and... but what's this? All the associates are wearing hats and aprons!?

Indeed. For the protection of our identities, we must wear hats, otherwise the paparazzi would overwhelm us and we could never do our jobs without getting swarmed. Just kidding. Our hats make us fly. After hours we all meet at an undisclosed location and practice saving the world as we soar overhead with day old bread loaves.

As for the name tags and aprons... if I told you, I'd have to kill you. 

Now, Panera drones--um, I mean associates--are supposed to take their aprons and name tags off every time we're on break so that guests aren't confused as to why workers are sitting around eating lunch or hanging out at the soda machine while there are certainly things to be doing! But I like wearing my apron, hat, and name tag! I wish I could wear them all the time! That said, I present to you...

5 Reasons To Wear a Panera Uniform

1. Association. 

My hat has a Panera Bread logo, my name tag is the flip side of a Panera business card, and if my green apron is spotted from not too far a distance you will see it's not from Starbucks. As I approach you in them, you will know for which company I slave--I mean work. When I open the door for people at the mall, grocery store, or anywhere else, I want them to think "Hey, she works for Panera!" and come eat with us. Likewise when I pick litter up, let someone go ahead of me in line, or do any other kind deed it'll say, "Hey I work for Panera and we're nice people! Come get some fooood!"

Read about this awesome guy who married Panera!

2. Equality. 

Haircut? What haircut? With my Panera hat it doesn't matter if I'm bald or Taylor Freaking Swift. The hat hides it all. Bad hair days, good hair days; it's all the same when it's been smooshed into a hat for 9 hours! Do you think hiding my makeup with the brim of a hat means anything to me after I've sweat it all off from lugging coffee carafes every hour? And the apron hides my less than perfect pants and ugly boy scout tops. You want equality in the work force? Get a Panera apron. You can't distinguish between guys and girls in them anyway!

3. Purpose. 

If I'm in a work uniform, I always look like I have something to do. I would never be charged with loitering while wearing a Panera hat and apron. Nor would people wonder why I buy so much hand lotion. (Powdered gloves are killers.) Nor would they think me strange as I turn me nose up at second rate bread. The pins in my hat are a warning sign for others as to what they are and aren't allowed to ask of me. Make you a coffee? Sure, I've got the barista pin! Build you a sandwich? Do you see a pin for that? Then begone with thee!

4. Identity. 

While I have a name tag, I know exactly who I am. If I forget who I am, I can just take a peek at the tag hanging off the collar of my polo shirt. It works really well when I ring up a cute guy. I don't have to stutter while I'm lost in his eyes trying to remember my own name; I just point to my tag and say, "Duuuh." I also like it when guests need something and feel comfortable catching my attention by using my name.

5. Just because. 

I said so. Having a special hat is special. And you know green aprons are sexy.

I hope I have enlightened you with my undeniable logic and you are now more envious of us as ever. Fare thee well, Panera Pickles!

~Pixie

Disclaimer:

I do not speak for the Panera company as a whole, but am merely one of the gorgeous faces you will see and fall in love with at our bakery.

The Beginning

Whether you have stumbled upon this site by pure curiosity or went purposely looking for us, congratulations! you have now entered a secret society that several unknown individuals never wanted you to know about. And now, since you will be too captivated to look away, we give you Panera Paparazzi.
Now, you are wondering "how do I join this secret society? How do I become one of the "superiors"? First of all, forget about ever being as great as us. You'll never be able to climb such oceans, yes, we can climb oceans. But, if you would still like to be a hopeless peasant of the Panera Paparazzi you may, but only if you can relate to at least three of the situations below. We wish you no luck.

You might work at Panera if....

• When someone asks for something, your automatic response is "Would you like bread, chips, or an apple with that?"
• Opening any swinging door makes you shout, "DOOR!"
• 75% of the time, no one knows where the chalk marker is.
• You work as a barista, cashier, bagel backer, and dining room attendant within the same half hour.
• You know what "panera" and "panini" mean.
• You start to learn Spanish just from taking coworker's orders.
• Rules were made for the customer to break.
• You can no longer eat normal bread because it offends you.
• You now clean up public restrooms when you use them.
• It's a crime not to smile.
• "Hot rack" does not mean anything vulgar.
• "Do you have time for a chat" translates to "You will die in seven days."
• You have the most awkwardly positioned bathroom stalls in the world.
• Flirting is creepy... unless you're hot, a fireman or an EMT. Preferably all of the above.
• Whether you are at work, home, or at 5 star restaurant you are done eating in exactly 27 minutes.

Disclaimer:

We do not speak for the Panera company as a whole, but are merely the gorgeous faces you will see and fall in love with.