'Zula says we don't even have to sign our names at the bottom of each post because it's pretty obvious by the content who wrote which one. :P So I'll leave it at that. Aaaand moving on.
Got to work early as I usually do because mum likes to get some breakfast and I like to hang around with the family for about 15-30 minutes before clocking on. Azula said we were having the audit guy come in. This explained the psychotic look in McGyver's eye, and his immediate interrogation over coffee times.
The entire day flew by in a frenzied rush; kind of like sharks when they smell blood. Only WE were the blood.
Usually when the audit guy comes around, I keep my head down, do my job, and escape the dreaded questions of doom. We always get asked, "What did you learn at the last Bread Bash?" and sometimes, "Why do you like working here?" but I hate the ones that have to do with times and numbers and things I'm not good with. Basically, I hate being asked questions I don't know the answer to.
Four 'o clock rolled around and I had still evaded the audit man. YES! But lo and behold, I saw him coming towards me during a stretch of slow time. I should have flagged down an old lady and asked if she wanted me to personally count out an exact number of pecans for her salad. But no. I was trapped between Scrooge el Grande (our boss) and the audit man.
I turned to him all smiles while my thoughts were jumbling up into nonsense. Like every time I get nervous, I felt like spouting some archaic sounding dialogue. "Good morrow, sir. How do you fare this fine day? Have you found everything in our cafe satisfactory?" Thankfully, I waited for him to start the interrogation.
First thing he asked--big surprise--was, "What did you do at the last Bread Bash?"
"We talked a lot about the importance of day dotting, and it was stressed how we should wash our hands after leaving each station.We learned about the new products... but we didn't get to sample them."
He turned a disapproving eye to Scrooge. "You didn't sample anything?" Scrooge explained that the trucks didn't bring us ingredients for the salad. "But what about the frozen drinks?" audit guy persisted.
I sort of felt like I was getting Scrooge in trouble at this point, but I couldn't lie. So I merely dug my hole in deeper. "Nooo... well, I mean, I know how to make them." I know now because during a lunch rush I read the directions in the little booklet. An average monkey could make those drinks. But I didn't say that. I'd rather be a paid monkey and not a fired monkey.
"Okay, well did you do anything fun at the Bread Bash?"
I froze. I honestly couldn't think of anything! I mean, we always have fun at the Bread Bashes, but I knew this guy wanted something specific. Something fun and educational. And it made me freak out because I couldn't for the life of me think of what it was that he wanted to hear.
"I made Pompeii with the candy on the table." Wow, Pixie. Fail. That was not at all what he was looking for. (I did build Pompeii with mini candies, by the way. It was pretty spectacular.)
At this point, Scrooge steps in (yet again) and explains about the prizes we all got for our bakery sales. Oh yeah! I got free stuff! Scrooge gave seventy bucks of his own money away! How could I forget? Because I'm an idiot, that's why.
"Could you describe to me as if....mumbles something incoherently..."
I had to lean in and ask him to repeat the question. He probably thought I was just stalling for time to think up an answer, but whatever.
"Could you describe one of our new products as if I'm a customer, please."
Seven hells. I hate all our new stuff so I haven't had them for lunch. And since we didn't get the samples, and I won't pay good money to eat them, I have no idea how to describe the strawberry salad or chicken orzo soup. I panic again. I'm screwed. I can't sell any of our new stuff. They're going to fire me because I suck as a salesperson.
My gaze traveled upward as my thoughts wandered. There, directly above the audit guy's head was a huge sign for our new frozen lemonade. I felt like Roland of A Knight's Tale when he's asked what his lord is wearing to banquet and he spies the tent behind Joselyn's maid. Green, trimmed in a sort of pale green, with wooden... toggles.
I nailed that sales pitch. Disregarding the fact that we'd run out of our strawberry lemonade puree, I made that drink sound like it was mana from heaven. And I've never even had one. :P He nodded, looked surprised at my skills even, and said, "Wow, very good." Yes. My ability to see enormous signs is unsurpassed.
After reestablishing my awesomeness, I felt pretty good. The next question was an easy one too; about alarms and where they're located. Yes, I know where all the alarms are. I frequently daydream about getting trapped in the walk-in and needing to be rescued by an impossibly gorgeous and completely single fireman. So of course I know how to trip the alarms. I didn't say all that. Not completely.
The next question, however, was the one I'd been dreading. The one I couldn't answer.
"Where's the emergency meeting point in case of a fire?"
"Out...side. Outside the building." Yeah, I'm a genius.
Scrooge tried to help. "What's outside the building?"
"The parking lot."
"What's past the parking lot?"
"The... horizon." I was being facetious, but they could think I was stupid. I just wanted to get it over with. Tell me I'm wrong and let me get back to taking down the bread wall.
"It starts with an 'S'"
I was so close to saying, "the sunset" but I couldn't figure out if the windows faced east or west in time, so I just turned my brain on and said, "Oh, Sizzler's!"
"Yes, and we have two meeting points." What the crap, man!? Why two? That's all manner of confusing. Look, if Panera was on fire, I'd just follow the swarm of coughing, screaming people to wherever the heck they were going. I'm sure I'd figure it out eventually. And if I was a lone survivor, it wouldn't matter anyway.
"Uuuh...."
"What does Azula always say?"
"Azula says a lot of things."
"'Work first...'"
It's not 'screw later...' it's not 'screw later...' "Uhhh..."
"What's her hobby, other than work? What does she love to buy?"
"Makeup. So... Ulta?"
"'Work first, shoes later.' Where does she buy her shoes?"
I was going to say Steve Madden, but I knew he meant somewhere in the complex. "TJ Maxx?"
"Yes."
Then there was a customer (Thank God!) and the audit man released me and didn't come back.
But you know what I think I proved? That I'm a model employee. I may not need to know where the emergency meeting point is, because if Panera goes up in a blaze, I'll be faithfully selling as many cold drinks as I can from my post at the register.
And that makes me the best salesperson EVER.
Also, I'm pretty sure everything he said about Azula was completely made up. I intend on asking her as soon as she signs onto Skype.
Farewell, Panera Poppies!
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